Some people say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Others say, out of sight, out of mind. I think it ultimately depends not necessarily on the adage of choice, but on the method of communication that you choose to utilize while away from a significant other, and how well you are able to convey emotion and important aspects of life through that medium.
A little over a year ago, I started dating a boy that I met through my work over the summer. Even though he was going back to college in the fall and I was going to be starting my senior year of high school, we thought we could try to stay together since he was only three hours away and I could visit often and stay with a close girl friend of mine, who attends the same school. What this meant for us was, a lot of time on the phone. When I say a lot, I mean my parents went through the roof when the phone bill came. We managed to stay together for three months before I started to feel like I was missing out on my senior year, and he began to get needy to the point where I was feeling almost stifled by him and his over-protective concern. However, for the time that we were together, we actually became closer in ways that we may not have become emotionally involved had we been literally closer. I think because we weren’t able to share that physical intimacy of being with each other face-to-face, we were more inclined to talk about more personal issues, to the point where we felt like we really knew each other, even though we had only been together a short amount of time. This effect is very much in accordance with Wallace’s online attraction principle of “common ground”. Even though we weren’t able to feel the physical attraction over the phone, we felt more attracted to each other because we found out how much we had in common. .
Continuing with the parallel to Wallace, I think we definitely felt a sense of “disinhibition” as we spent the majority of our relationship time on the phone, because when you are talking on the phone with someone you care about, it is often easier to express more sensitive or meaningful topics than if you are conversing face-to-face. If you accidentally use a tone that is harsh or if your message is misinterpreted, it is easy to quickly apologize and recognize that the medium of communication is to blame. Also, we felt so comfortable with each other that we really didn’t feel as though we had to censor our beliefs and values when we were with each other. Incidentally, we felt more physically attracted to each other in person because we not only anticipated being able to see each other, but in-between the times we were together, we grew even closer by feeling free to reveal our “true selves” over the phone.
Overall, I think that our relationship was strengthened by our time spent on the phone. We became very close very fast, which was a great thing at first, but in the end became too much to work out when neither of us was ready for a relationship to be that serious at that point in our lives. I don’t so much blame the circumstances, though, as the realization that sometimes when the disinhibition, common ground, and physical attraction principles proposed by Wallace play too strong a part in a relationship, it becomes too easy to become so wrapped up that we forget to step back from each other and breathe. In the end, that was what our relationship—and what I personally, needed.
2 comments:
I was also in a long distance relationship during my senior year of high school and it was nice to read that you had similar feelings that I did. I also feel that a relationship that builds over the phone can almost be more intense than as if you were dating someone in closer physical proximity. In the first few months of a relationship, when dates usually consists of dinners or the movies, these dates last maybe 2 hours at the most. Whereas I sometimes found myself on the phone for 3, 4, and even sometimes 5 hours with my boyfriend. Granted, that relationship ended over 3 years ago and I was much younger then, I still consider it to be one of the most meaningful relationships I have ever had. Needless to say, I racked up a pretty big phone bill too!
I think that this was a very interesting post. It is counter-intuitive that you can grow closer to someone over the phone or in another mediated communication channel rather than face-to-face, but it really does seem to be true. This marries with the concept that online relationships often are just as intense if not more than traditional relationships.
One thing that I wish you had elaborated on a little more is why you were disinhibited over the phone. You did say that one reason is because you could blame the channel of communication for any "slip-ups" such as using too harsh a tone. Another reason might be Jonison's theory that you are visually anonymous when talking over such a channel. Because of this, you have greater private awareness and less public awareness, both leading to greater self-disclosure.
Overall I thought it was a great post and very enjoyable to read!
Danielle Rosenthal
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